Tears for Our Teachers

Yesterday, it was time. After many months, and in one case, 6 long years, it was time to say goodbye. And though tears have been shed for weeks in anticipation of this moment– by myself even more so than my kids– there have been emotions other than sadness. Thankfulness, of course… but a bit of anger, too.

I clearly recall leaving my sweet little boy in his kindergarten classroom years ago– he was so trusting, so eager to learn– and I knew we were leaving him in great hands. But I truly had no idea what the next 6 years would bring.

When I envisioned school for my children, I based my vision off what I had experienced as an elementary student. A relatively nice stranger stands at the front of the classroom and tells you to sit up straight and stop talking and pay attention and read this essay and write a response and do this math worksheet. The stranger gets angry sometimes when kids misbehave, but other than that she sits behind her desk and shushes us now and then. Every so often I  creep up to her desk and shyly ask her a question, but any interaction I have with said stranger is full of trepidation. Nothing brings the stranger more happiness than when we go to lunch or head for the buses at the end of the day. And when the end of the year comes? The stranger-teacher, whom I know as well as I did on the first day of school, looks like she won the lottery. She has gained 3 months of freedom.

My children have something different. Every parent wants better for their children than what they had for themselves, and when it comes to what our kids receive at their elementary school, we really have won the lottery. We send our kids to that building for 35 hours a week– if they had poor teachers, what a scary prospect that would be! With excellent teachers, which is what he have had EVERY year for SIX entire years, it’s a blessing. A privilege. A gift.

These adults know my children. They don’t just know their name and what they look like. They know and love about them what I know and love about them. They know that Georgia is funny and Harper is sweet and Mason is a natural born leader. They know that all three are smart and capable and are such good friends to their classmates. They know what hobbies our kids are involved in and that our family is about love and acceptance and forgiveness. They know that they have the ability to build upon the amazing characteristics of each of my children’s personalities, and make them better citizens of our world. Of course, they teach them about science and math and reading and writing and social studies. But my kids don’t sit behind a desk filling out worksheets all day. They act in plays put on by a teacher who spends her own time and money making props and writing a script and sewing costumes. They raise baby salmon in an enormous fish tank from the time the salmon are still within their eggs, and after months pass they walk to a stream and release them into the wild. They go to a sleep away camp 2 hours away with teachers who swim with them and ride horses and rock climb with them, and they learn songs like “You Can Count On Me” by Bruno Mars that make tears stream down the cheeks of mothers at 5th grade graduation, because they really did count on each other– students on other students and students on teachers and teachers on students. They’ve been there for each other, and besides academics, these teachers have taught  them how to be good people. Because they are all such good people themselves. Each and every teacher my children have had at that school are truly GOOD people– people I pray my kids turn out to be like as adults.

And this is where– beside the extreme gratefulness and love and honor– the little bit of anger comes in. A little bit of anger for my kids, I suppose, because they have spent day after day, year after year, learning from and respecting and loving these good people. We as parents send them off to school and allow them to open their little hearts and love these adults like they are family members. They certainly have deep, family-like relationships with them. I’ve heard so many stories at the dinner table, in the car, and in doctor’s office  waiting rooms about the stories they’ve heard and lessons they’ve learned from their teachers. Everything from how their teachers handled bullies when they were kids to the importance of not eating cheap sushi because you could get very, very sick.

And then, June rolls around, and suddenly– goodbye. It is hard enough for me to accept that we have to move on from the people who’ve loved them for a school year and hope for the same amazing luck next year. But for our kids? The little hearts that opened up to let all of the love and lessons in are now in turmoil, because summer is here and hearts–one 5th grader’s in particular– need to prepare for changes and goodbyes and a big, scary middle school looming on September’s horizon. I try to tell my 11 year old nice things like “you will have their lessons and love in your heart forever”, but when he is used to their physical presence day in and day out, to hands patting him on his back and kind eyes letting him know in chaotic moments that things are ok, the prospect of relying on what they’ve left to his mind and heart is a bit overwhelming, I think.

So this is where the difficulties lie, where the tears continue to fall. Our kids have assimilated  that when school chapters end,  their “school family” isn’t their family anymore, because we won’t be taking vacations with them or celebrating holidays with them like we do with other family members. And I think that is confusing for my sweet kids, and for other kids as well. But what choice do we have? There is no fault in this fact, in this painful time of goodbyes– teachers have dozens of students coming through their doors year after year, and if they tried to keep up with 30, 60, 90– nay, hundreds of students– they would lose their minds, and would not be able to do what they do year after year. So their hearts grow bigger– they must, to love these children in the manner that they do– and our children are left better people, shaped by the time spent, the lessons learned, the love shared. They go on– resilient as they are– while we as families shed tears– both happy and sad– for our beloved teachers.

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Shelter From the Storm

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“Love will hold us together, make us a shelter to weather the storm; and I’ll be my brother’s keeper, so the whole world will know that we’re not alone.” –Matt Maher

This lyric is from “Love Will Hold Us Together”, one of my favorite songs. The reason it’s a favorite is twofold.

First, when “Christians” share a message of hate, judgment, and “I’m better than you”, I’m reminded of the basis of MY faith– love. I don’t hate anyone, it’s not my job to judge anyone, and I’m certainly not better than anyone. I feel my mission in this lifetime is just to share God’s love. The end.

The second reason this song resonates with me is also my reason for starting this blog… my anxiety disorder.

I’ve always leaned toward having a worrier’s disposition, but for the past 7 years–since shortly after the birth of my youngest daughter–it’s grown into a greater issue. I’ve had to see doctors about it, it’s disrupted my life, and it’s made me feel things deep inside that I wouldn’t wish for anyone to feel. For the past 7 years, I’ve been seeking shelter from it. Medicine, doctors, therapists, dietary changes, breathing techniques– they all provide a bit of relief, I suppose, but I’m not really sure they’ve provided a weather-proof shelter. As corny as it sounds, when I’m the most overwhelmed by worry and fear,  the umbrella I reach for in my myriad collection (hey, I do live in Seattle) is the one labeled “love.” The love from family, friends, and God is what has allowed my brain to escape from the storm of panic and worry and has brought me back into the clear skies of reality. The reality is, I’m loved. I have a shelter, under which I can hold myself together, and weather the storm. I couldn’t be more grateful for all of my “keepers”– the ones who check on me, who send me funny pins from Pinterest, or deliver short emails or texts to my phone at the exact moment that I check my phone to distract myself from the worry building inside of me.

There are a few reasons I’ve started this blog. I’ve always felt a need to write–it’s just part of who I am. When I was 5 year old kindergartener, I felt a need to write; in college, the need to write forced a change in my major; and now, despite the busyness of being a mom and a working person, I still feel the overwhelming need to just WRITE! A blog also seems like a great way to vent: to share my frustrations and fears, as well as my happiness and hope. Besides all of that… while exploring the internet, putting forth my best effort NOT to delve into the depths of worst-case scenario websites, I found very few blogs about “normal” people working their way through anxiety. Anxiety gurus claiming they have a “secret cure” for the low price of $19.95? Sure, found a lot of those kind of sites– but none that were real, none that made me feel like maybe I wasn’t so crazy or alone. And so, I dedicate myself to sharing real experiences here– so that perhaps even one person living through the storm of anxiety may wander over here and find this truth– that we, most definitely, are not alone.